I’m borrowing the title of a prompt given to us in our now finished Picture Black & White class because it reminds me – well, because it just makes me feel better. “The Growth Process”, what comes to your mind when you hear this?
I have been struggling lately, and a lot, with everything. The flow is weird. There is a lot of static. I feel like I need to always catch my breath; like I’m running to stand still, but the floor keeps shifting. I want to move, stretch, fly, but I also want to land. Safely.
I worked on two paintings – and as I’m typing this I realize I may have forgotten one ingredient: “play”. I lost track of my 365 project, and in my mind the wicked gremlin keeps judging: “you failed, you are failing, can you really cope?” while the wiser and gentle part of me reassures: ”it’s okay, start where you are, there are no mistakes.”
Embrace Imperfection. Soulful and Silly. Are you really? You impostor.
It hurts. And you know you often times hurt yourself the most. I know.
It seemed like the latter part of May and the whole month of June was this thick land of mud I had to tread on. If I stood still, or paused, I felt like I was sinking. “Walking” to get somewhere, to do something, to accomplish tasks, had become this elephantine effort. It may sound so dramatic – well, it is. A fragile elephant walking in the mud, merely wanting to participate in the beauty of the world – but is afraid sometimes, alone sometimes, doubtful and lost – looks at herself in the mirror and wonders are you really getting anywhere with all your dreams?
A terrifying thought for such a simple and willing flower; this image is my photo-heart connection. I posted it in Instagram some weeks back with a quote and it got a lot of likes and comments. It was like medicine. I think when you are able to express your vulnerability through an image, and some chosen words, you mend something that is torn inside. Or, you open up a little bit more, quivering, yet stronger. Maybe that is growth. It’s not always so pretty. It’s not always a grand celebration. Sometimes it is what struggles inside, silent, and somehow loud. Alone, but one with the world.
“Don’t wait until everything is just right. It will never be perfect. There will always be challenges, obstacles and less than perfect conditions. So what. Get started now. With each step you take, you will grow stronger and stronger, more and more skilled, more and more self-confident and more and more successful.” ~ Mark Victore Hansen
Note to self: Write about the good stuff; the little victories that happened “while you were treading on mud and was able to (actually) lift your legs”.