I am writing with a mind filled with anxiety. A mind that is wondering if my husband’s band will get chosen as a finalist for The International Jazz & Blues Competition in Macao. Even as I type this I feel I don’t have a solid message or connection and it’s as if I am not typing fast enough – because I want to finish this post and beat an email that hasn’t arrived. Perhaps you can tell I am so not here in the Now. The present is filled with thoughts from either the future or the past and they continue to swirl in my head – Will they make it? When will I get the email? Should I check again now? What if they don’t make it? Then this post is really weird. Maybe I should I edit. Gosh I’m so nervous. Will we find out today? Oh please please let them make it. – and it’s not helping the fact I feel it took so long for me to get my act together to write about my Photo-Heart Connection for April. Yes, I am even judging that. Why did I wait until the last minute? What do I have to say? Well, at least I found the image. Now what?
And it’s perfect. I remember Kat’s post. I also remember the moment I took this photo and (good luck to me) I think I will be able to write about it and place the connection.
It’s a bit challenging because my heart is in a place of desire and expectation; I visualize something in my head and I want it so bad. Much like the time I went over to the place where I had a view of this Ferris wheel. To make a long story short, I took so many shots, in so many different angles, with this filter and that, this perspective, this frame, that light, back to the other perspective, maybe this filter again, walk over there, wait a bit, shoot again, frame it again, change the filter, wait for better light – it was fun and then it became too serious. I was just too serious! I was trying too hard. It was madness. I had to let it all go. I remember feeling the weight of the frown on my face; my body was stiff and the more I was attached to a certain outcome, the more I kept on losing the joy. I caught myself in time and I went back to one of my first gut feelings which was to capture it in black and white and create that feeling of space.
Sometimes we linger in the seriousness of it all. While it is important to get things ‘right’ in a way that we meet requirements or deadlines, give everything our best, practice our crafts and get better at it, make certain efforts to go somewhere or be somewhere, be someone, do good, make a difference, go the distance to express oneself, it is just as important to know we simply need to ‘ride with it’ and not try way too hard that there is no more joy or peace.
I think when we find it difficult to laugh or even smile in all the different situations we are in, we need to change the way we are ‘in’ that situation. Perhaps we are holding on too tight. Perhaps we are too attached. Maybe the motivation is fear. Maybe it has something to do with our expectations. We need to check.
I haven’t ridden a Ferris wheel in a long, long time. I am simply admiring this one from a distance for now. I have taken several photographs of it, but this one is special somehow because of the lesson that is behind it – catching myself in time before falling for the ‘not and never, ever good enough’ trap. The other thought behind this image is the perspective of ‘beginning and ending’, and that one doesn’t really diminish the other, or is better or worse. It just is. It is like the shape of a circle; the motion of a circle turning round and round, changing everything as it goes, constantly beginning and ending, creating endless possibilities. A potential, always present.
Before I started writing this, a friend’s facebook status gave me a bit of light and I thought it was good to use here: Anything and everything is possible.
It made me smile.
With the rise and fall, with the ups and downs, anything and everything is possible.